Rarely Explored, But Universally Acknowledged, Social Archetypes (Essay 1)

(This entry is Part 1 in a series. Since posting this I have gained the power of TIME TRAVEL, and instead of using it for good, have instead used it to easily link you to Part 2, which features MSPaint drawings and caricatures of people I know.)

In this essay, we will explore:
Guy Who Carries His Sketchbook Everywhere
The Conversation Hijacker
(related: The Psychologist)
(related: The Shadow)
Girl Who Sings Conspicuously In Public Places
(related: Guy Who Plays Guitar Introspectively In Public Places)
Unattractive Girl With A Bad Personality Who Is Always Talking About How Hot Everyone Everywhere Finds Her


Guy Who Carries His Sketchbook Everywhere
It doesn't matter whether the situation calls for it or not, this guy is always prepared. . . to show someone twenty-plus pages of cheesy anime-style drawings.

You don't even have to make the request yourself; Guy Who Carries His Sketchbook Everywhere anticipates any potential desire to fawn over his art you might have, and, in a determined effort to help you overcome your shyness, shows them to you anyway, with a big happy grin on your face because he just knows he is making your day.

Guy Who Carries His Sketchbook Everywhere plans on going into a) animation, or b) graphic design. You know this because he tells everyone within a thirty-foot radius. His favorite shows are Bleach or One-Piece, Family Guy, and The Colbert Report. If you want, he will totally draw you with cat ears. He won't even charge you for it, and when he's done, he'll even sign it and give it you to you, so you can cherish it forever.

Or forget about it until you're cleaning out your backpack months later and you find it crumpled at the bottom. Either way.



The Conversation Hijacker
How many times has this happened to you?

You're enjoying a conversation with someone in a fairly neutral public setting, and you're thinking, "Gosh, this is nice, but I really wish someone I don't know at all would just pop out of nowhere and make us both incredibly uncomfortable."

The Conversation Hijacker understands, and is here to solve your problem. They can transition loudly and seamlessly into any given social situation by:
a) commenting on the last thing you said (generally taking it totally out of context),
b) trying to start an entirely new conversation, or
c) walking up, saying something completely out of left field, and then walking away, effectively ending any interaction between you and the person you're talking to, and also rendering starting up a new conversation completely useless.

Sublevel A: The Psychologist
The Psychologist is a very specific type of Conversation Hijacker, who specializes solely in interrupting social interaction by artlessly drawing conjectures and giving advice. This is always unwarranted, and always pisses people off, becuse the Psychologist never bothers to actually check the facts on the things they're trying to give advice for, or seek out any sort of context.

If this is ever brought to their attention, the Psychologist's standard response is, "Hey man, don't get mad at me. I'm just speaking the truth."



Sublevel B: The Shadow
The Shadow is a Conversation Hijacker in sort of a different way. He (because Shadows are usually male), will stand behind you for minutes at a time before anyone notices him. He might say something, he might not. If he does, it will always be at least five minutes after he forces himself into the area, and it will either be:
-something related very distantly to what you are doing (if you are playing any sort of videogame, he will ask you about a very specific game that you are not playing, and if you've watched the show based on the game he's talking about), or
-something, again, completely random and unnecessary, that makes everyone make this face at him.






Girl Who Sings Conspicuously In Public Places
This girl has been told all her life that she has a beautiful voice. The problem is, she isn't going into theater, or anything that requires singing. She doesn't have many places where everyone can focus on her while she sings. So she creates some herself.

Girl Who Sings Conspicuously In Public Places usually has a friend with her, who is also a Girl Who Sings Conspicuously In Public Places. They'll sing conspicuously in fast food joints, department stores, anywhere really. They'll start off quietly, in a generally breathy manner. At some point they'll close their eyes and get louder, using their best choral voice. When they've finished, they'll look at each other and blush, and muse loudly about whether anyone heard them. If someone tells them they have lovely voices, they get embarrassed and say timidly, "Oh. . . thank you. . . I didn't know anyone was listening."

Male Version: Guy Who Plays Guitar Introspectively In Public Places
If you're in a coffeehouse or at a low-key party, you can bet this guy will be there. He will almost certainly have his eyes closed, and have an expression on his face like he's miles away, but he'll snap back to earth as soon as anyone might be addressing him. If anyone compliments his playing, he shrugs and says "Thanks, man. I don't really think about it."

Guy Who Plays Guitar Introspectively In Public Places will have at least four tattoos. One of them will be lyrics, two of them "tribal". He will have a decidedly clean haircut and a contrastingly scraggly beard. He'll play you something he wrote himself when he was going through a tough time. If you ask him to play you something you know, he'll get offended and tell you he's not a trained monkey.




Unattractive Girl With A Bad Personality Who Is Always Talking About How Hot Everyone Everywhere Finds Her
Never mind that she has a face like a Mack truck and the body of Jabba the Hutt. Never mind that she uses the word "fail" a lot, takes deep, deep interest in everything Perez Hilton says, and makes sure you know her opinions on the "issues" by shouting them in your face repeatedly.

Never mind any of that. This girl is a catch. If she wasn't, she wouldn't get hit on so much. I mean, she gets hit on every day. Every hour. She makes sure to note every time it happens in great detail, describing conversations nobody you know would ever have in real life. But that doesn't matter. She wouldn't tell you if it wasn't true. Everyone everywhere makes sure to tell her, loudly and in very clear terms, that they want to jump her bones.

Even though she has this boyfriend who she's very serious about.

You've never met him, but that's okay. He has to exist, right? No one would make that up. It's not like she'd be making up all those explicit, grossly in-depth stories about the awesome sex they have. That would just be pathetic.

No one does that. Right?



Right?