Last night, Jon and I decided to watch "Rent". We had both seen it in high school (together, actually, on a double date; we were in the theater program, hurrdurr), but we thought it'd be interesting to see it again with the mindset that all of these people are stupid assholes.
We were not disappointed.
The movie opens on the two main characters, Mark and Roger, screaming at each other over a blazing trash fire that they've started in their apartment that they're not going to pay their rent. In fact, they're not going to pay last year's rent, or this year's rent, or ANY rent in the future!
Their friend Benny is such a douche for turning off their power on Christmas Eve, when they were screaming openly about how rent was bogus, and he should just give them this nice studio apartment for free in perpetuity because he used to also be a lazy hipster, until he married into
money and got a
job and stuff. What a jerk, right?
Is anyone else thinking, "Good for Benny"? I know I was, for like, the whole movie.
Before I go into the rest of the plot, let's get into the characters themselves.
MarkMark's "thing", because they all have a "thing", is that he's a filmmaker. He has a crappy crank-camera glued to his face for most of the movie, and tells everyone he's filming a documentary (he only says what it's about once, and it's apparently supposed to be about the homeless? Which is weird, because the only people he seems to film are his stupid friends, who ALL HAVE APARTMENTS).
Mark doesn't really have a personality. The only things you know about him, besides scarves and Buddy Holly glasses, are that:
-he likes to film things, I guess.
-he's Jewish. You wouldn't know this, except for two lines that seem thrown in at the last minute because they realized Mark was an empty sack
-he used to date Maureen, which I guess didn't go too well. They never really go into anything about it, except that it was bad.
Most of the movie, Mark is kind of upset, but you don't ever have any idea what he's upset about. The only scene where someone actually calls him on his bullshit, and gives him any sort of dimension as a character, was cut.
Roger
Roger's "thing" is that he plays the guitar, and he's forever trying to write this
one song, so he can be famous. He sings a whole song about it, actually, which I think is really funny.
In that song there is also a montage, where you find out everything you need to know about Roger; he had this girlfriend, they used to do a lot of drugs, she gave him AIDS, she died.
Roger spends the rest of the musical having a lot of Edward-Cullen-esque mood swings and shouting about baggage. He makes a lot of wry observations, which comes with being a "musician", and throws them at other people without giving them any context.
Example: in the song "Candle" (or whatever it's called, I don't really feel like looking it up), he says he's looking at the moonlight in Mimi's hair, as a passing observation. A couple of scenes later he's shouting at her to get out of his apartment, and tells her to "get the moonlight out of her hair" like,
five times. Which is okay in the context of a musical, I suppose, but when you think about it as an actual, real-life experience, it's just. . . stupid.
Mimi(Not pictured: track marks, angry cat sounds)Which brings us to Mimi. Mimi's "thing" is that she's a heroin addict. I'm not even joking. That, and the fact that she's a stripper, is her entire hook. Oh, and she has AIDS too,
just like Roger! Isn't that just
crazy happenstance.
The way they have her written, it seems like she's supposed to be the most likable character in the whole show, but she's far from it. She throw's a lot of feel-good stuff at Roger about how they only have one life to live, so they should live it to their fullest. You know, stuff that would be great advice coming out of the mouth of anyone who wasn't a heroin-addicted stripper.
Collins and Angel(Not pictured: smug douchery)
Collins is easily the most likable character in Rent, and even that is kind of stretching it. He gets kicked out of MIT for teaching his theory of "actual reality", which as Jon says is something only a stoner would teach. At the end of the show, he comes into the apartment with a lot of money, and Mark and Roger are really excited. Naturally they ask him if he went back to teaching, or got some other job. He responds, with a ridiculous level of enthusiasm, that NO, he didn't, he just rewired an ATM, so now they can all get money they don't deserve
whenever they want!
Mark and Roger think this is the bomb. GRAND LARCENY IS
AWESOME.
Angel is Collins's drag queen boygirlfriend, and is one of the major selling points of the show. If what the other characters say about Angel is true, his/her (they go back and forth on this a lot) whole thing was being kind and charitable of heart towards everyone he/she met. Of course, this is entirely without mentioning that Angel's first (and only, I think) song, introducing him/her as this cool, fun person who's really awesome to know, is about
being hired to kill a dog. Which, in case you were wondering, he/she
totally does, and is really excited about.
Well, not
entirely without mentioning. They do bring it up one other time, during "La Vie Boheme", when you find out it was actually Benny's dog.
Which only makes it funnier.
What is wrong with these people?
JoanneYou don't really find out much about Joanne, except that she's a lawyer and a lesbian. She dates Maureen after Mark does, and they both commiserate about what a shitty girlfriend Maureen is.
BennyBenny's "thing" is that he's responsible. He has a job, a good marriage into a wealthy and influential family, and, oh yeah, actual drive. He's trying to turn this building that a bunch of homeless people are squatting in into a giant virtual cyber-studio. You would think that this would be welcome news to people living in that neighborhood, since that might make it not such a shithole, but nobody cares. Benny is a douche. Benny will
always be a douche, even when he's offering to let them live in his apartments rent-free, paying for Mimi's rehab, not to mention her apartment, and paying for Angel's funeral, even though he knows he/she
killed his dog.
Gosh, what an asshole Benny is.
MaureenI saved Maureen until last, not because she's the best, but because I hate her. I'm not exaggerating. I actually
hate Maureen's character.
Maureen is a "performance artist".
I should say right off the bat that "performance art" in general disgusts me. It's the lowest common denominator of "art", and in my experience it's generally put on by people who are really full of themselves but have no talents doing anything else. Slathering your naked body with chocolate syrup while singing a version of the national anthem with verses you made up, to make a statement about the meat industry, is fucking stupid. Nobody is going to "get it", or even really
care. It just doesn't work.
Maureen, being a "performance artist", decides to put on a "protest" in the building Benny is trying to get rebuilt. (What nobody really seems to get is that Benny's in-laws
own the building, and can do with it whatever they goddamn please, whether there are idiot hippies in it or not.) This "protest" consists of Maureen standing on a stage shouting, surrounded by TVs all featuring her own face that are also shouting. There's something about a cow, and a desert, and some jokes about Benny being a douche. She sort-of sings, at some points.
Bear in mind, this is supposed to be about the homeless. Also, as Jon pointed out, it's supposed to be a protest, but the only people actually there
are the homeless, and Maureen's stupid friends.
Maureen spends the rest of the show in a very loud state of narcissism. Do you remember that girl in high school who was kind of unattractive, and a huge bitch, but they were always talking about how men
and women
everywhere were forever hitting on them? Ta-da, you have Maureen. Maureen is That Girl.
AND NOW, THE PLOT.
The plot, if you can call it that, is basically:
These characters all come together, somehow.
A year goes by. They sing a lot. Some of them break up. Everybody's really angry for almost no reason.
It's now Christmas. Mimi OD's. She doesn't die. Roger sings.
The end.
What.
. . . huh.
