You're Hannah Montana. You stop it.

Today at work, Hannah, I was listening to your newest single, "Can't Be Tamed". This is because they play a loop of the same twenty seconds over and over again on the big TVs. Apparently you are a major selling point? That's crazy! Congratulations for that, I guess.

Anyway, I heard a line that went, "and if you try to hold me back, I might explode." I thought for SURE this was a mistake, but then, sure enough, you said it AGAIN! I was so confused. I just kept thinking, why would she think that?

But then I realized that this might just one of those things like when someone tells you in second grade that the moon is actually made of cheese, and you're like "psh, I don't know ANYTHING about the moon, so that could totally be true."Or perhaps it's just an issue of poor clarification. So to prevent you further embarrassment (I mean, millions of people have heard this song already, so you can't very well change it now. I'd say that's pretty embarrassing), I'd clear it up for you.

You see, if someone tries to hold you back, you will not explode. I mean, sure, you might, in the same way that I might get eaten by a bear wearing a skirt in the next ten minutes, but probability dictates that there's a more than even chance you won't. Heck, if someone is trying to hold you back, it might even be because you were trying to run toward something that was about to explode. So holding you back may be, in fact, SAVING you from exploding.

I should tell you, I've been watching CSI for about six years, and while I've heard of more than a few people blowing up on that show, there has never, ever been an incident where someone has blown up from being held back. This should be of great comfort to you.

I have compiled the following handy list, and would like to suggest that you print it off and look at it hourly until you have memorized it, to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.

Things You "Might" Do If Someone Tries To Hold You Back:
-kick them in the balls and run
-flail around a bit until you've gotten it out of your system, then turn to them and say "thank you, I might have done something I'd regret."
-whine about it for a couple years until you realize that you're an adult and a role model to girls everywhere and you decide to start acting like one

There! I hope that cleared some things up for you. If it didn't, please feel free to leave me a comment and I will get back to you as soon as humanly possible.

One thing, though. Please be sure to sign it "Hannah Montana". Otherwise I probably won't have any idea who you are.