*If you don't remember Movie Monday, that's okay, because I only did it once and it was like a year ago.
This week's edition: Scary Movies That DON'T Keep Me Up All Night!
I told you guys a while ago (around the last time I did Movie Monday) that I have this really terrible and idiotic tendency to watch scary movies on cable, because I come in at a weird time and think they look silly. Then I get nightmares, and it's hard for me to do basic things like shower and go to the bathroom without being terrified that things are going to come out of the mirror or the drain or the toilet (thanks for that, Dreamcatcher). It's not even just movies; a couple of weeks ago I accidentally saw the end of the Paranormal Activity 3 trailer and since then I've been sleeping with the light on.
I know. It's stupid. Believe me, I'm aware.
Fortunately, I've found a handful of movies which can [in some cases, technically] be classified as "horror", that DON'T inhibit bodily functions like peeing and sleep! In fact, they're actually pretty fun. Let's take a look.
The FrightenersStarring Michael J. Fox, Chi McBride, Andie MacDowell, and A Horse
*Fun fact: The cover is way scarier than the actual movie.
The Frighteners stars Michael J. Fox as a con man who can see ghosts (not to be confused with Dr. James Harvey, who is a regular con man pretending he can see ghosts). His wife died as a result of something he may or may not have done. Meanwhile, there's a malevolent Gary Busey ghost (I guess that's him on the cover? Huh.) going around killing people because he didn't get to finish killing people when he was alive. There's numbers involved, and a crazy guy with religious tattoos who keeps trying to kill Michael J. Fox, and Chi McBride is a swinging 70's ghost.
It's a pretty fun movie, but it's just scary enough to give you a thrill, and Gary Busey is genuinely freaky. If you can find it for less than ten bucks (which, trust me, is not that hard), you should definitely pick it up.
Event HorizonStarring Morpheus and Dr. Alan Grant
This movie is definitely scary, and definitely not for everyone. I wasn't okay watching it the first time, but once I knew when the freaky parts were coming, I thought it was kind of hilarious. Apparently Sam Neill went through a stint where he was the villain in every terrible B horror movie? When did this happen?
The plot is basically A Wrinkle In Time, except that it's A Wrinkle In Space, and in between the folds of that wrinkle are SPACE HELL. The ship is clearly constructed to be evil, with spiked walls and a big spinny death ball, and there's lots of gut-ripping and intestiney eye-explodey action. Even though Dr. Alan Grant kicks precisely zero raptors in the face, it's good fun, provided you can stand blood (or you have someone around to poke you when you should cover your eyes).
The Scream SeriesStarring Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, Jamie Kennedy, and David Arquette's Moustache.
NOT Drew Barrymore, like the poster would have you believe.
The Scream series is probably my favorite movie series ever. I really shouldn't even have to tell you what they're about, but I will anyway, because I love you.
A guy in one of those douchey (now totally iconic) ghost masks and cloaks runs around killing everybody involved with Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell), whose mother (and this is important, but I'm not sure why) was brutally murdered a year before the first movie.
It's a horror movie that's also a parody of horror movies, a while before that sort of thing was popular. It's also endlessly quotable, with an awesome cast*, a whole lot of silly, bloody fun without being too gory or nightmarish. I own the trilogy, and I'm proud to say I've watched it maybe twelve times in its entirety. It never gets old.
*Except for Skeet Ulrich, anyway. He's not nearly as clean or handsome in the movie as he is on the poster, and I have no idea where the hell that goatee came from.
The most recent installment, Scre4m (don't blame me for that, it is on the poster), also didn't disappoint. I actually got upset when I found out it wouldn't be coming out on DVD until October.
I think everyone should see these movies at least once. If you feel like watching them with me, give me a shout and I'll hook you up.
Fright NightStarring Anton Yelchin, David Tennant, Colin Farrell, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and
OH YEAH DID I MENTION DAVID TENNANT
This movie was the whole reason I decided to resurrect (HA, BECAUSE VAMPIRES?!) Movie Monday. The other movies helped, but really I just wanted to geek out about Fright Night.
I saw it this past Saturday, which I think was the day after it came out. I wish I'd had the foresight to look it up on IMDb beforehand, because then I could've actually been watching the movie instead of spending about a third of it with my face behind my hands and my thumbs in my ears*.
*This is known as "Assuming the Position". I invented it.
A thrilling remake of the 1985 Chris Sarandon movie, Fright Night stars Anton Yelchin as Charlie Brewster (which sounds a lot like Charlie Bartlett, right? But that's a theory for another time), a teenage kid fumbling with his newfound popularity and sexy girlfriend. Charlie's old nerdy friend Ed (BETCHA CAN'T GUESS WHO PLAYS HIM) thinks that the guy who recently moved in next to Charlie is a vampire, and tries to enlist Charlie's help to expose and/or defeat him.
***SPOILER ALERT: HE'S TOTALLY A VAMPIRE***
David Tennant, AKA THE DOCTOR pops up fairly early, although he's not immediately recognizable-- see if you can spot him in the above poster-- and he's definitely less than helpful.
"Oh I'll kill your vampire, all right. But first, play me 'Stairway To Heaven'."**This might not actually be from Fright Night
It's less horror and more exhilarating thrills and campy fun, while staying just scary enough to keep you on the edge of your seat. I'm definitely going to see it again.
And not just to look at David Tennant shirtless. Probably.
Event Horizon's disk hasn't appeared in weird places recently like it used to. How did that keep happening, anyway?
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