(This entry is Part 2 in a series. Here is the link to Part 1, which is much longer, but equally hilarious. It also features extremely dumb pictures of me.)Due to length, this essay has been broken up into two shorter essays. I'm sure you will not complain at having to read less.
In this entry, we will discuss:
The Nervous Talker, and
That Guy With An iPhone.
The Nervous TalkerIt's the season for grad parties and family reunions, which are the Nervous Talker's domain. The Nervous Talker is almost always female, and will always be seen clinging to her significant other with a vice-like death-grip. You better not be planning on talking to anyone else for the rest of the party, because once you start a conversation with the Nervous Talker, you're not getting out of it until she is good and satisfied.
Another hallmark of the Nervous Talker is the tendency to completely embarrass her significant other. In an attempt to show how well she knows him and how good she is for him (and therefore prove herself as an ideal mate to any doubting family members), she issues a series of jibes accompanied by a lot of exaggerated elbowing and nervous grins. The result is quite the opposite of what she intends, however, as seen by the following examples:
"Tell me about it! This guy here didn't pack enough underwear for our trip! I was like, I told you a billion times, make sure you pack enough underwear, and of course what does he do? He doesn't pack enough underwear!" *a direct quote
"I know! When he grew a beard, I was like, you look like a terrorist. Shave that off!" *another direct quote
"I hear you! I can't get this one to stop dragging his feet and commit already! I'm like, we've been together for a YEAR already, we might as well just move in together, but he's just being such a baby! Mom [to significant other's mom, who is shocked to hear herself being addressed so], can you knock some sense into him?"
That Guy With An iPhoneThis guy just got an iPhone, and boy is he excited about it. And why shouldn't he be? The apps are crazy. You can chat with people in real face-time, or whatever that's called. You can surf the Internet wherever you go, and that means you can watch all the YouTube videos you could ever dream of! What kind of friend would he be if he didn't share all of that with you?
No friend at all, that's what kind!
Have you seen the latest viral video mash-up of Deathnote and Spongebob Squarepants? No? Well, say no more. You're watching it right now, sir! Never mind that the quality is awful, or you can't hear anything because you're at a party trying to socialize with people, and never mind that you have no idea what Deathnote is, you are watching all seven minutes and twenty-nine seconds of this video. And what's this? There are eight more videos in the series? I didn't know that! Let's hope they're all as funny as the first, because we're watching those when this video is finished!
Are you worried about being bored at this party? Guy With An iPhone precludes all possibility of boredom by anticipating your worry and providing hours and hours of entertainment on a tiny, shaky screen, all without even being asked!
Play this game!
Look at his Twitter app, just look how many followers he has!
Read political blogs! The possibilities are endless.
Until the battery dies, anyway.
