I've figured out what I'm doing with the rest of my life.

My German teacher (whose name is Dr. Suess, by the way) is actually from Switzerland. She's tiny and blond and very fashionable, and has a lilting Swiss accent that makes learning German way more fun.

Today she showed us a PowerPoint slideshow that she'd made, highlighting everything that is awesome about Switzerland.

Did you know that Switzerland is one of the richest countries in the world? And that they have an insanely large army, because they have mandatory military training for every man from twenty to thirty-six? And everyone has guns, and mandatory shooting practice, that the military pays for? In the event of an alert, the entire country would be fully mobilized within 12 hours.

Also, there are MANDATORY SKI TRIPS FOR SCHOOLCHILDREN! You are taught how to ski for school credit. Do you have any idea how awesome that is?

And there are ENTIRE AISLES in EVERY SWISS GROCERY STORE that are JUST FULL OF CHOCOLATE. And every Swiss family has an oven, JUST FOR TOASTING CHEESE.

Don't believe me? BOOM. I just dropped science. MAGICAL CHEESE-MELTING OVENS. IN EVERY HOME.

I'm moving to Switzerland, effective immediately. If you need to reach me, I will be firing money out of a machine gun while rappelling down the Alps on skis made of chocolate with my MANDATORY CHEESE OVEN.